Alone

Welcome to my world where my demons and struggles battle it out in my mind. A tale of a man who is fighting for his life with himself and praying everyone he cared for and loved would be right there with him but in the end he isn't wanted or cared about or loved, he is only Alone

*What is something that you truly love that makes you feel like you are someone?*

*I don’t really know how to answer that question.*

*Why is that if I may ask?*

I feel so much pain and anger and hate that I’m ready to grab the propane

Blow my whole life up and begin all over again

Do I throw myself down the field like a Tom Brady hail mary

Do I swing and hit myself over the outfield like I’m a 1920’s Yankee

What is said is said and can never ever be taken back again

We are who we are cause we are never going to feel perfect

You are what you want to be

You say that you want to be like me

But why would anyone want to be like me

When I don’t know who I am in the end of the day

Am I going to be the one who you fell in love with

Am I going to be the one who is hurting from his brain

Will I be the man that gave everything he got and got the girl in the end

Will I be the failure who fucked everything up and lost when he began

Who am I when I can’t figure out what I will be tomorrow from today

Or who will I be if I ever reach the age of thirty

I just love misery

I love feeling pain

I love that fucking feeling of being in the dark with my demons plotting up a scheme

I love that feeling we once had but ended up blowing up instead

Cause I couldn’t keep my promises

I couldn’t be Superman

Or Batman, Robin, or even the fucking Joker

Or any stupid superhero in a cape that’s more of a joke so I say fuck it

I want to feel like that mistake

Fuck all of it (Might as well quit)

Whatever, at least I know I tried and got myself this far for a little bit

Wake up Steve-O it’s time for you to go out there and continue the show

Bitch I don’t need to keep running the show, that’s for the people who came here for more

They came here to see the fool I’ve become

The one who has that L on his head, he’s so fucking dumb

I stopped this verse from continuing cause I found this fucking gun

*gunshot

God damn missed myself and shot the other me instead

Now I’m panicking to figure this out before the nightmare officially runs out

Out of connection, frames hitting over 9000 and I’m lagging all over the place

I’m shooting the gun and I keep going back to the beginning

Going back in place

This is really weird, why the fuck can I just control alt delete myself out of existence

I hear the drums drumming

Control Alt….fuck clear

I’m running out of words to say

I can’t try to hide

My fucking problems and pain

I try to keep inside

So I stay far from the truth

I rather just die

That’s not the answer

But it’s better to lie

I can’t find happiness

Even when I try

So I manage to stay this way

All the fucking time

I’m better off this way

Please just understand

I’m better off being Alone in the fucking end

You said shit that no mother fucker tried to say to me and it fucking hit

Me in the chest and it gave me a wound that never wants to quit

Fucking coming and going, I’m like an adolescent me again

13 year old me trying to squirt out a quickie like he’s running in the Olympics

Running from the problems, sounds like it’s running from the cops

The pigs are catching up, catch mother fuckers its some jelly filled donuts

I hide from them and wait for them to fall asleep

Cause then I could escape this never ending act on the trapeze

You told me to grow up, but when I do its never enough

I was there, I showed up

You weren’t there, you gave up

On me (that sounds weird) Yeah ain’t it

Cause I gave you my whole peak of existence

You ran away with it

Gave it to someone who didn’t give a fuck if you missed him

Or you what did you do

Remember that time you said I did nothing wrong

But then said you were being manipulated by him and fucked him anyway

Then told me cause I brought it up

Or you what about the time I gave you my heart

And you threw it on the ground and left it there to rot

So you see (I wish I can) Every one of them played the same game

Let’s buy a vowel Pat (Which Vowel Steve-O)

I for I fucking got hurt more and fucked over by he who must not be named

Because bring him up negatively will make me feel shammed

OOPS already do, 5 more years will go by then I’ll be thirty two

I’ll see the next you with me again and still get fucked in the end

But wait do you think you are the problem?

Who the fuck said and think that

Dr. Phil wishes he could get me on his program and try to fix the man I am

Shave his stupid mustache and catch him outside with left and a right

Knockout

I won the fight

Now I could be a undefeated champion like Mike

This is the last dance

More like it’s the last chance

Cause fake wanna be nig…

You can’t say that Steve…

Cancel me then bitch cause I’m no longer giving a shit

*rings*

Hello, sorry new number who this

I’m running out of words to say

I can’t try to hide

My fucking problems and pain

I try to keep inside

So I stay far from the truth

I rather just die

That’s not the answer

But it’s better to lie

I can’t find happiness

Even when I try

So I manage to stay this way

All the fucking time

I’m better off this way

Please just understand

I’m better off being Alone in the fucking end

Fuck this I might as well tell you my life story

I lost my fucking dad from ALS and my grandmother from cancer in her breast

Got heart broken multiple times

Cheated on

Repeatedly got beated on

Abused by myself with the thoughts in my head

Got bullied in school and through the internet

Attempted to off myself but had to stay around cause wow someone actually loved me wow

Never mind I was wrong, the left me to die on the side of the road like everyone else

Why!!!

Got no one else to talk too

Cause psychologists won’t be solving the solution to my problems

I rather be alone in my head

Where everything gets left on the bad side of the bed

*Channel changes*

I’m so alone, noting feels like home

I’m so alone, trying to find my way back home to you

*(No not this song)*

*Changes channel*

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low

Only hate the road when you’re missing home

Only know you love her when you

*(Nope not this song)*

*Changes channel*

Never gonna give you up

*NO*

*Turns radio off*

*Steve no one will be upset with your answer. Maybe let me ask you it again but in a different way. What do you want for yourself right now?*

I’m trying to understand this, I’m trying to answer the question

(I’m better off Alone)

These words and thoughts inside my head are fucking up my solution

(I’m better off Alone)

This anger and pain is fucking with me, I’m no longer me

(I’m better off Alone)

I don’t want to be alone, I need you and you and you and everyone

Please don’t let me be forever alone

I fucking need her

*I want to be me again. I want to feel loved again. I want to have that happy life I wanted when I was eleven and had my first crush on a girl and said one day I will find the one who will give me her all. I want to not be judge for being different. I want to hear I’m always going to be here for you and it actually mean something when I wake up every single day.*

*So why do you want to be alone then Steve?*

*Cause in the end I know I won’t be feeling hurt again*